he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
