So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
