Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
