Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
