You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
