She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
