The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I AM VODKA MAN
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
