I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
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