Just cropdusted the office
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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