he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
