Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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