i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
