She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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