they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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