I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
