Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
