He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize