In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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