just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize
