shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
