My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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