yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize