I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
you never un-have a 4some
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
