if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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