So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
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