your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
