Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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