At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
