Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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