Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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