On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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