Swine flu is the new snow day.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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