She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
