life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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