im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
