We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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