they need to just BURY HIM!
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
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