last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
