I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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