guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize