it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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