I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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