When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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