I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
