I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
