so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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