I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
do nipples grow back?
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