I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
