You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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