The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
