Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
