You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
