She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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