dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
