pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
