No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
